The incredible lightness of being

I took a personal development class last weekend as a quick fix to finding a job. What I got out of it was how my life was not working. I have not spoken to my family in over two months, sabotaged my friendships, and was scared all the time.

I was a fake because I wanted to look good and be right. I didn't want to hang out with people because I was ashamed of being jobless. I was perfectly okay with cutting out my sisters from my life. I lay awake at night wondering if I did something wrong. My reasons, not me, were running my life.

What really struck a cord with me was that I chose to have a sucky life, consumed with my stories about not being good enough. Despite knowing all this, I was not going to get off my high horse. No way was I going to call my sister, Sharon to talk about my dad's hospital stay. Until I wrote the letter to her for one of the assignments. And shared the letter with a partner. I called her, and apologized for making her responsible for my staying in the hospital with dad. During the conversation, I heard the sirens of my inner voice, but I shushed it with my possibility of being peaceful. Now, I feel light.

Yesterday was my first day of being in reality, i.e. out of the classroom. What I realized was that I was taking the easy way out, still. Not calling people that I was thinking of all weekend long. The reasons were gaining on me. So I emailed and called them today.

I am still tinkering with my possibilities of being. Fun, authentic, free, and full out come to mind. Will keep you posted on that.